This thing that I’m doing has led me through all the emotions at different times…but usually funny was in there somewhere. Not tonight. Tonight there just isn’t any funny to be found.
About a week ago, I was sent a profile from a friend of a friend. Someone close to them was being scammed. Like me, she is a widow. I imagine she is also lonely. And that she remembers the time when she had her person…and now lives every day without them. And when you are lonely and sad, when you want something so badly, sometimes you will believe even when everyone tells you not to. She wanted so badly to believe that he was real. Tonight, I had to break her heart.
When I started this, it was funny. And most of the time, it still is. Men (I’m assuming) who barely speak English, attempting to woo me, with the goal to get money. Weaving fabulous tales of nonsense, trying to see just how much they will accept. Y’all, I was called a FOOLISH GOAT!!! And that is amazing!!!
But there are times when I wish they were real. Dr. Squishy and his “love” for me…I wish he was real. The really hot picture guy…oh. yes. How I wish HE was real…..mmhmm. Being a widow is fucking hard. Harder, I think, as time goes by. Here I am, not yet 40 (I’ve got just over 2 weeks…) and most nights, I am home alone with the kids. And I love my kids- they are my life. But it’s hard to not have a person. Your own person. I don’t have anyone to talk over my day with. To air my frustrations. Who is there just to hold me when I am sad. No one there to play with on the weekends. To have adventures with…or just to watch a movie with. Someone to hold my hand.
There are nights when I just feel like I am going to crawl out of my own skin if I don’t get out of the house. When my stomach is in knots at the thought of being alone for more minute, much less an eternity. It weighs on you. And you can make bad choices because you can’t stand another minute of it. This page, which can fill hours of my time, sometimes makes it worse. Because I’m seeing some of the worst that are out there. Men who target widows. Who specifically look for people like me- sad and lonely and vulnerable to making bad choices. Luckily, the majority of my current bad choices involve online shopping and Target, but for some, that isn’t the case.
For the first time, when I was given a creepster profile, it wasn’t just a random one. It was someone who specifically came to me for help. It took the guy almost a week to respond to me but almost immediately, I was able to get enough from him to break her heart. And to me, the worst part isn’t the money, or even that he never loved her, but that when her person does come around, will she actually trust him enough to let him be her person? Will I, when the time comes? I don’t know.
I’ve been struggling with being alone. I really don’t think I was made to be single. And yet here I am. Single AF. So breaking her heart, also broke mine. I like the stories about people finding their person. I like when someone goes through a world of shit but ends up with the happy ending. I truly don’t understand the mindset of those who pull these types of scams. How they live with themselves. And after talking with my new friend, I hope that we both find not only what we are looking for, but also, what we need.